BELLE

Two days and counting til fly time. Yesterday was really hard.  My dog, Belle who has been family since she was 6 months old was put to sleep. I spent the afternoon with her at Michele's house preparing to make the decision easier.  It was in no way easy. For hours I lay next to her. I took her out for a walk and she could barely step down the one step to go into the yard.  She was truely the most loving and  beautiful dog who ever lived.  She is just shy of her 16th birthday, so 110 yo in dog years as they say. When the vet showed up and knocked on the door my heart dropped and I could feel my eyes swelling up. My Mom was kind enough to come down and join us. I know these kind of things are not easy for her either since Erin an Jack left us but I soooo much appreciate her being there. The vet making a house call actually saved us from transporting Belle to her office and surely helped not only Belle with this moment but the privacy it provided allowed me to loose my shit and cry while I held her in those last moments. The last time I  had to make a decision like this  I was with the whole family in California 14 years ago,  just after my Dad had had an embolism. This very much mimicked  that day when we had to make the choice as a family to take my Dad off of the life support machines. The only difference is that the whole family had to weigh in on that decision and even though both Michele and Ashley were very much a part of this decision  there was something inside me that kept saying that I was killing my beloved Dog and I kept feeling that I was deciding her fate on my own.
The moment seemed to take eons but in fact was over in less than 15 minutes. I held her as she passed with her head on my lap. After the vet confirmed her heart had stopped she left & I laid with her and cried.
The funeral procession consisted of Michele & my Mom in their own cars, Ashley and Jesse on facetime and Belle next to me on the front seat of my truck until we arrived back in PA and at the site where Erin and Jack both laid at rest.  The cemetary where we designed and build a memorial garden in years before was set up with enough room for the whole family and I strongly feet, as we all do that Belle was as much of the family as I am.  That said I felt no reason to inform them we were coming or of our intent to excavate our own grave  for the family dog.
So with shovel in hand and under the cover of a dark and rainy night, there I was in the graveyard while Belle, Michele and Mom waited in their cars out of the rain for my signal that the hole was ready. Super hard digging that hole but something about it kept on making me think of  the movie Goodfellows even though digging solid clay is a far cry from the ease of excavating Vegas desert sand. When the makeshift service had ended and the hole was filled we all shared a memorial whiskey together in the wet night and the girls left me to weep for the first time alone.
To some of you it may sound a little crazy being this close and so effected by the lost of an animal but those of you who knew Belle have no doubt as to the impact she had on every one of us.  She will be missed greatly, remembered and loved always. RIP Belle! XO